


Immaculée solitude

by SaintOfAthena



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Character Study, Internal Monologue, Love Confessions, M/M, Romantic Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:46:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23670109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaintOfAthena/pseuds/SaintOfAthena
Summary: Eiji has all sort of feelings for Ash but if he had to use a single word to describe what they share he'd pick the word "Love", it doesn't mean anything in particular and yet it means everything.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Immaculée solitude

**Author's Note:**

> I rewatched Banana fish a few days ago with one of my friends and I was devastated. We then read the after story which existence's I wasn't aware of and I am now completely destroyed. This work is very important to me, I just never realized how much writing helped me cope with my own feelings. I guess I'll have to thank Akimi Yoshida for this, even though I cried so much I used up all my tears. 
> 
> Enjoy!

There is something about Ash that Eiji finds particularly enthralling. He could write novels upon novels, pages after pages if he dared tackle the force of nature that Ash is and focus on all he finds beautiful in him. That was the reason why he chose to dedicate every single internal monologue to one thing after the other. Somedays, when the wind blew his attention was drew to the swift and elegant movement of Ash’s blond hair, when the sun was setting it was the sharpness of his facial features, and when he was close enough it was the unequaled color of his eyes, that color that would make a jade stone green of jealousy but never green enough to rival their beauty. Some other days, and God knows those are the rarest, when it was so quiet and peaceful that one couldn’t feel the wind or that the sun had hidden itself in jealousy, the opportunities remained nevertheless endless and his beauty unequaled. Certain things never changed, his beauty was one of them and the other was most certainly his immaculate loneliness.   
The way it enveloped and covered his body left Eiji almost hopeless but above all, bewitched. Those two feelings were often laced together when it came to the American but Eiji didn’t mind any of it. Poison would taste like honey if Ash gave it to him, he’d swallow it dearly, never with a tint of regret. And he’d take it most unbegrudgingly if that meant it was the only way to follow Ash. The young leader sometimes walked into twilight all alone, exposing his body and soul to the greatest dangers and abuses. He often walked away but Eiji would always hold his hand before he went where he couldn’t follow.   
Their pas de deux was intense but halting, a whole new form of beautiful, like Ash. Elegance incarnate, his fights like a dance solo, the greatest display of aggressively but with a taint of delicacy so very faint but indubitably present that made his soul vibrate. Eiji had the eye of an artist, every second spent with Ash was ingrained in his mind like the most entrancing photograph, each of them ventured different emotions and impressions, all of them fractals of Ash’s personality and story, put together they would make the greatest mosaic ever, light and darkness, beauty and ugliness, happiness and sorrow, and hope, hope that tomorrow the sun will rise and shine on them stronger than ever.   
When a photographer takes a photo they try to convey their own emotions by reflecting them on their model, if he had to contribute to the mosaic that is Ash’s life then he’d add love, love precious like the first laugh of a baby, light like a feather but stronger than sheets of carbon. He’d add tenderness to make up for all the years of brutality and cast away the hurt. He’d kiss away every single scar that marked his body and pray the bad memories away. Ash thought loneliness was quintessential to his being, that it was his destiny, he wore it like a battle wound, a lingering pain Eiji swore to kiss away. 

“Eiji, you’re starring.” How ironic that Ash would break a trail of thought of which he was the subject without even knowing it.

“I know.”

“Why are you starring?” 

Eiji thought that Ash was beautiful in any circumstances, but even in his naked glory he was clothed in that sacred loneliness he found so intriguing but so disgusting at the same time. He only wished to put it away, to make him understand he didn’t need it, that he never needed to cover up. 

He slowly gets up from the bed he daydreamed on and walks to his partner, breaking that loneliness he so loathes.

“I was thinking about something.” 

“About what?” Ash doesn’t budge from his seat as his personal space is being invaded by a familiar warmth. He hums with content when he feels hands come and lay down on his shoulders.

“I was thinking about how beautiful you are.” Ash melts into the touch. 

“Hmm really?” He sighs. 

“Yeah, really.” 

There was something dangerous and unknown about the path he was taking, he feared to slip but refused to back down, he was a man with a mission. No one was more aware than Ash of his own beauty and he probably cursed it, that was the first scar Eiji would fade away.

“Beautiful like a blue ringed-octopus?” Ash asks. 

“Why a blue ringed-octopus?” Ash slowly turns around, he doesn’t say a single word, he doesn’t need to, whatever message he has is delivered and Eiji suddenly hates the green in his eyes, so beautiful but so intense and so sad. 

“Ash. Would you stay with someone who talks to you like this?”

Silence.

“If not a blue ringed-octopus then a blue dragon? They’re commonly called sea angel, but whatever crosses their path ends up dead. Does that ring a bell?”

It’s hard to come to terms with certain things but Eiji can’t think of anything more devastating than loving someone who wallows in self-loathing and regret. How can someone be so unfair with themselves? 

“Ash, do you know what the blue ringed-octopus and you have in common?”

“Death?” 

“No. Both of you hold no malignancy, you were put in the most dangerous environment and have no other choice but to defend yourselves. You’re not an animal Ash, you’re a human, a child who was hurt and broken and who hates himself so much he doesn’t see how beautiful he truly is.”

Ash isn’t looking at him anymore.

“If you were an animal you’d be a bird.” He says after a moment.

“Why a bird?” Eiji already knows the answer.

“Cause you can fly. If I learned how to fly I’d never come back, I’d just soar into the sky.” His words bear poetry and anguish, just like his life. 

“I don’t fly anymore. I don’t need those wings.” 

“What do you mean?” 

Eiji doesn’t answer, he doesn’t need to, Ash knows already. He traded his wings for something even more precious: a partner. If God forbade they flew then so be it, they’d walk or crawl but they’d do it together. Icarus knows the sky is not the realm of humans, it’s too vast, too dangerous, it makes you lose ground and yourself.   
In a way Ash was a bird too, he was that skyline pigeon dreaming of the open, waiting for his day of freedom. Ash battles with his own destiny while bearing the cross of his past and that all by himself. His clash with the order of the world is he bravest, the fiercest, the most lyrical tragedy. He counted on no deus ex machina. He just has that fierceness that cannot be curbed, a fiery passion that his bitter tears can’t extinguish. He’s a marvelous force of nature, but what makes him worthy of praise and admiration from even his ennemis is what Eiji hates the most, such greatness came with an even greater price.

Eiji would never worship him. 

If he couldn’t give back the person he loved all the years he lost in suffering and captivity then he’d craft, from scratch, a safe haven so he could descend that damned pedestal he was forcibly put on by nature and men. 

To him Ash would never be a beast or a devil nor will he ever be a mere victim, he’d just make him his everything and pray for it to last. 

“Did no one ever tell you that love gives people wings?” Eiji can see the green of Ash’s eyes abandon desperation to embrace surprise and fondness but he might be wrong, the tears building up in both their eyes makes it hard to see things clearly. They’ll have to trust their profound knowing of each other on this one.

“That’s so fucking cheesy.” Ash half laughs and half cries in the Japanese’s arms. “ I-I can’t remember the last time anyone ever said they loved me.” He cries louder and it breaks Eiji’s heart.

“I promise to make up for every single day spent without hearing those words.” 

While Eiji found that Ash looked splendid when he wore his immaculate loneliness, what he thought suited him best was love.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed it cause I had the greatest time writing it!
> 
> Take care and don't forget to leave kudos
> 
> : )


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